Tuesday, February 23, 2010

PostHeaderIcon Idiots On Parade

Although you are going to think this just another Uncle John gallows humor story, it is all quite true. 

By John Simeone 

Although I'm never at an end to find something to talk about, my advise to the upcoming outdoor writer, whether you think you need advise or not, is when you are suffering from writers cramp, talk about idiots. That's right, you can always find a complete book of idiots just by being observant. Now Louisiana is a place to find all you want so for a time, instead of being a Bird Watcher like my buddy Pat, I have become be an idiot watcher. Now we all do stupid things from time to time so the occasional laps into the realm is not what I'm talking about, unless it deals with world class stupid.

Like the classic one time only bird brain that illuminated the nipple end of a .54 Hawkins rifle with a cricket lighter while looking down the muzzle to see if it was loaded, well it was.

Now my favorite idiots are drunk hunters because they are epidemic around here. I once observed an old pick up driving itself down a back road appearing to be without a driver. I followed for a good distance and realized there was no one at the wheel. It was going real slow so I parked quickly and ran on foot to catch up. I found the driver slumped over clutching his loaded deer rifle drunk as a lord and passed out. He had gone about half a mile like that.

Now here is one that just happened recently. Just while passing by a somewhat crowded trailer park I noticed this complete moron out in the yard burning tires, this was his chosen pastime on Valentines

Day, while every one else choked on the billows of Black smoke. This guy has got to be the model for the country song, “Bubba Shot The Juke Box.”

There are plenty of female Bubbas out there too. When on a mission to see about the purchase of a deer hound the search found us in a remote trailer park on the infamous Savage Fork road, in no mans land in Western Louisiana. My partner got out to talk to the occupant of the trailer who owned the dog. Considering the unkept environment of the area I decided to stay in the truck. It was very hot in the summer and I noted they didn't have air conditioning as the doors and window were open. There seemed to be a lot of flies buzzing around as well as a buzzard roost in a nearby tree, that also gave me a hint to stay in the truck. I then noticed a rather leathery old gal standing at the entrance to the trailer, and there was a hint of an invitation which I tried to ignore as she puffed on the cigarette hanging out the corner of her mouth. My attention was averted to “Baby Bubba,” a toddler walking about on the bare ground saturated with trash and broken glass. He was being tormented by a horde of cow flies, attracted naturally to the fact he had filled his pamper probably hours before and seemed quite miserable in the summer heat.

I just couldn't take it any more, I had to say something. “Excuse me Mam,” which gave her the attention she was looking for from me obviously, as she smiled an almost toothless grin. “Pardon me for asking, but don't you think its about time to change that baby?” She answered with that same smile very politely and with the skillfulness of a concerned mother, “Oh no, I read the directions on the box of Pampers, it said 16 to 18 pounds, he couldn't have more than three or four there.”

A few years ago a Japanese car manufacturer came to the Shreveport area to discuss a car plant in the area. However when they saw how trashed out the roads were, they declined saying such people could never build a car to their standards.

A lot of people blame hunters for trashing out the roads but I have found this not to be the case. It would seem that just about every rural road in Western Louisiana is trashy in some degree, mainly from joy riders at night driving drunk. Although they do the same thing in broad daylight at lunch time cold sober. You can tell this by all the fast food wrappers.

I'm going to have to put more littering blame on the fishermen than the hunters. Toledo Bend Lake is absolutely beautiful, but a close look finds it trashed out like the rest of the place. This is due to the high alcohol factor in boating and fishing as compared to hunting, although this doesn't let the hunters completely off the hook. Some how when people start drinking in the field or the lake they lose their outdoor manners (if they had them in the first place) and start trashing out the place..

You wont see this in quail or grouse hunting I suppose due to the gentleman protocol involved, but dove and duck hunters have a drinking problem in my area. Recently I spoke to a father who was attending his son's funeral the next day, who was killed in a duck hunting accident. Evidently one was standing up to shoot from the duck blind while the other one was sitting down. It doesn't take a forensic examiner to figure that one out. As the man knew I was both an outdoor writer and a retired criminal investigator he asked me some questions and wanted my opinion. My first question was had they been drinking. He related they had the night before, but couldn't imagine how that could relate to such an accident.

As a range master at a shooting range I get to see a lot of just plain fools. Sometimes you just can't get to them in time to save them. The worst idiot I ever saw at a range was a soldier shooting a semi-automatic pistol. He looked like he knew what he was doing and fired the whole magazine and the slide locked to the rear, without looking in the chamber he let the slide go forward and pointed the muzzle to his head and pulled the trigger. At the click sound I comensed the ass chewing from hell upon him that would have made R. Lee Ermy cringe. I still have nightmares over that one.

I saw a dove hunter give his six year old a shotgun and sit next to him on an Ice chest drinking beer. I don't think he looked at that kid all day as they both shot at doves. Nothing happened that time but there was certainly a danger potential. Nothing against the kid or his age, it was the beer factor. If you are training a new hunter let him do all the shooting and you supervise. This anti-mentoring will in fact get you in trouble.

I had a senior game warden tell me the two things I would never do is get the crossbow legalized in my state or ever be able to do anything about drunk hunters. Got the crossbow legalized the next year later but did not pursue the alcohol issue due to further contemplation. You see, I figure it is a scientific phenomenon dealing with Darwin's theory of natural selection. Some how, some way, there must be a hidden moron or idiot genome in random humans that no matter what the intellect level of the individual it kicks in randomly to thin out the population through natural selection.

I point this out to student idiot watchers, who immediately see the scientific factor and are in total agreement. The lesson is simple so if you feel in a touchy, feely, liberal mood you may want to try to save a would be victim of his own stupidity, but don't spend too much time at it. This is due to the resistance factor associated with being an idiot, they never listen, and they may take you with them. So perhaps it is just better to sit back with your digital camera like I do and wait for the moment of truth because this is just nature taking its course and there is not much you can do about it. Pass it on 

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